Confussion

Confussion is all around me. Lately I've just been really confused with everyone.

I'm here trying to make everything sound clear but, everything is all jumbled up. The first thing I'm trying to figure out is who I want to be with. I have feelings for my best friend and that's a girl. She knows these feelings because I've had feelings for her since college. We've kissed but, that's it. But, she knows that I want more. She right now lives in a different state but, we talk about doing things a lot. She wants me to visit her and stuff. I've even considered moving to the same state as her. There is something about her that I love. I just don't know what it is.

But, on the other hand. I eventually want to be married and have a family. And I want to marry a guy. But, the only time I've done anything with a guy I had to think of my friend to get off. Maybe it was because I wasn't feeling the guy but, I'm not sure.

Everything is mixed up. Thinking about this all the time my heart is racing and I feel like crying. Shit, I even feel like cutting but, I'm not going to. I'm just going to write what I'm feeling.

How am I suppose to know what I'm suppose to do when right now the only thing I want to do is grab my friend close, kiss her and make love to her. =o/

I just don't know anymore... Probally not going to get any help because who is actually reading this?

Update

It's been a while since I last wrote in here. Not like anyone is reading this...

I made it to the one year mark but, for the past 4 weeks thought about giving in EVERYDAY. I don't even want to get out of bed to go to work. It seems to be getting harder each day.

This year is especially hard because I lost two of my Grandparents this year. One I had a breakdown when I got home from because I would have to see my father at the wake/funeral. I chose not to go. I just couldn't handle it. Just thinking about having to see my father gives me the shakes.

Lets see what else... I feel like I'm losing my mind because no one understands me. I feel like I'm alone 24/7 with all these thoughts that are running through my mind.

Isn't it suppose to be easier as time goes by?
Why do I keep having these urges- one worse than the next?

It sucks to be alone.
I don't know how much more of this I can take and I learned the hard way that I can't watch Celebrity Rehab because it's causes too many triggers for me. Each time they talk about physical abuse by a father the urges come in stronger.

It's pathetic that I'm almost 26 and still have these issues.
Why can't I be normal?!?!

Drinking

I was talking to a reporter from a local news station through twitter and told him that his station should do a story on cutting. But, he brought up a good point-- how many people really would go in front of a camera and talk about it. I know I wouldn't.  But, hey it was a good idea. But, moving on from that.

I noticed lately I hate how I feel when I'm drinking. I get really depressed and just feel like crying. I don't drink that much but, when I drink more than 2 drinks I get so depressed and just wanna crawl in my bed and cry. Is this normal??? I think I might stop drinking alcohol. Ever Tuesday my friend and I go to a bar to listen to this guy do an acoustic set. I try to limit my alcohol but, that never seems to work. And, when I do drink I'm more self conscious that I normally am. So I think as of Friday I'm done drinking for a while. This Tuesday if I do go to the bar I won't drink alcohol-- just water and enjoy the music. 

I also lately have been having problems with another area but, I feel too embrassed even typing it. I might one day...

I wish I was normal and never even started cutting. I also wish alcohol wouldn't give me these side effects.

Update

So this past month has been stressful. Still unemployed. I feel like a loser because no one will call me back or hire me. My whole life seems pointless.

Lately I want to give in but I'm refusing. It's been 2 months. Though April 17th should have been a year but its not bc I gave in a couple of times.

Last night at the bar with some friends and one of my friends friend made me feel like shit. I spent a good 20 mins in the bathroom crying. I never wanted to give in more than last night. But I also think that was the booze talking.

My birthday came and went. Most of my friends and family forgot. Not surprised but it hurts each year. My aunt/godmother didn't even email or call. That hurt the most.

That's it for now. Trying to get my mind off cutting. I need to get past this. I'm 24 and can't be cutting. Just not good for someone my age.

Safe Alternatives

so i filled out something on the safe alternative website and mailed it into them. today i got an email response. i hate to say but, i was a little taken back by how it really doesn't offer any help. it's like an email they send to everyone. i was highly disappointed.

today i found out the job that i interviewed for last week i didn't get. i'm really upset over it. i didn't get the job because i don't drive. ug!

i decided to post the email from the people @ safe alternatives. give me your opinions and tell me what you think about it.

Hello and thank you for contacting S.A.F.E. Alternatives. We received the copy of your self-injury self assessment. It seemed like you answered many of the questions “True”. It took a lot of courage for you to take the test and also to send it to us. We would be happy to discuss this more with you at any time. In the meantime, I’ll include some options below for how to get help. Hopefully one or more of them will be helpful to you.

I'm not sure how old you are, but just in case you need a crisis line to call - for teenagers the 24/7 line is: 877-332-7333 and for adults or anyone - 800-273-TALK (8255).

The first thing I would encourage you to do is to tell another adult this is happening. Find someone you trust - either someone at school - like a counselor, teacher, any adult you trust; or someone at church/temple/religious organization or wherever else you go. You could also tell a parent or guardian, or the parent of one of your friends. Another adult can help you find some support and help that you need. They may know of more resources that you aren't aware of. Find someone you trust and tell them.

There is a referral list of therapists on our website under the heading “referrals”. The referral list is made up of people who have been through training with our co-founders and have asked to be on our list. If there isn’t a therapist on the list nearby, it does not mean there are no therapists in that area who work with self injury, it simply means none have contacted us. In that case, another way to find a therapist who works with self injury would be to go to our website (selfinjury.com) under the referral section where there is a section called "How to find a therapist". Asking the questions listed there would be helpful for finding someone who works well with self-injury.

I would recommend the book "Bodily Harm" by Karen Conterio and Wendy Lader, Ph.D (also available in Spanish –found only on our website -“Daño Corporal” http://store.selfinjury.com/product-p/120.htm ). “Bodily Harm” can be found on our website, in public libraries in the U.S. or large bookstores. It has a lot of helpful information on reasons why people self injure and ways to help someone who injures. It also gives an overview of our intensive treatment program. It would be a good resource to have. Here is a link to the book: http://store.selfinjury.com

Our program is a 30 day intensive treatment program for people who self injure and want to stop. The program just moved out of the previous location, however we are in the process of finding a new location. I'm not sure where that will be at this time. We currently have at least a 60 day waiting list for people wanting to come into the program. The S.A.F.E. program has helped people stop self injuring for 24 years now. People come to the program from all over the US and Canada. The first 15 days of the program are inpatient and the second 15 days are a partial program. During the partial program patients stay overnight at a hotel (the fees for the hotel are separate from any hospital fees), and transportation is provided by the hospital. Patients will go back to the hospital all day, seven days a week, for the final 15 days of the program. For adolescents, the program has a few differences from the above information. To find out more or to make an appointment for a screening, anyone interested would call our information line - 800 DONT CUT. Since this is an information line, you will most likely need to leave a message and we will return your call.

We also have a new manual that can be helpful to schools or other groups. It's entitled “Self-Injury – A Manual for School Professionals” for working with students who self injure. There is a teacher/staff version and also a student workbook. Please check our website for more information. To view the table of contents, please go to our website www.selfinjury.com, under "News and Updates" for December, 2008. http://store.selfinjury.com/product-p/121.htm - is the link to the manual in our store.

There is a Blog on our website you may want to read/join. The site is www.selfinjury.com.

We do our best to keep our blog safe for all users. All posts must be approved and we don’t allow the graphic description of self injury. We work to make the blog a place people can reach out for support and express their feelings in a productive way. There is also a yahoo group for people who self injure and want to stop. You would go to www.yahoo.com and click on "groups" and search for groups - searching for "NoFear SAFE Approved" - (with no space between "No" and "Fear") and that should bring up the group. It's free to join and can be very supportive to people.

We have a manual called “SAFE Focus” for self help/support groups. Leader and participant manuals are currently available. You may find them in our “store” on the website. The manuals are meant to be self explanatory. The group can be lead by another person who is recovering from self injury, however they can also be utilized or even modified (if necessary) to be lead by a therapist.

Hopefully this will answer some of the questions you may have. Keep reaching out for support, it's the best thing you can do to get the help you need.

Sincerely,

Pam

"Friends"

I am so fed up with people putting me down and making me feel like shit. I do that enough to myself I don't need anyone else doing it.

If one more person puts me down I am going to scream. My so called friends think that I'm just lazy bc I can't find a job. But, they don't know shit.

I'm not allowed to work retail or at the mall anymore bc of my foot problem. I can't do the standing for 8 hours. And no one is hiring in the media field.

So what I applied for a part time job at a radio station. It's a foot in the door. That's what matters right now.

I'm just so hurt from my friends and I'm feeling so lost.

I don't know if I could make the day without cutting.

So fustersted and don't know what to do.

Day 3

Day 3. Today was better. I spent most of the day in the city. Did shopping with my credit card which I shouldn't have done bc I don't have a job.

I realized that I need to find better friends. My current friends are not so good. It hurts to say that but it's true. My one friend from hs everything seems to have to be about her. And my other friend just seems that we don't have anything in common. I have this guy friend that every time we talk he turns the convo into sex. Sometimes I think that the only reason he's my friend is bc I'm a virgin. And he doesn't understand that I want to wait till I am married or in love.

I just don't know where my life is going at this point. I'm also thinking maybe I should go back to church and stuff.

*sigh* what should I do? Be friends with these people or stop being friends with them and have no one?